Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
