yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize