The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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