Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
