dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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