i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize