the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize