There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
