In the future we'll all be gay
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
