how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
