apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
