i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
