I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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