i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
