Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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