Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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