so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
