you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize