Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
