Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
