sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
