Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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