He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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