WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
