and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
