"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
