My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
