I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize