his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
