Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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