theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
