I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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