i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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