My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
