I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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