I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Less talking, more tequila
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
