Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize