Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
