So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize