I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
