Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You took a bar mat shot.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
