I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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