her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
