yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
