Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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