I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
