Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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