Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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