I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize