we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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