I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
