It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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