I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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