We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
