We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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