Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
