I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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