I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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