I wanna bring you to show and tell
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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