finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
