Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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