The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
